Never Trust Decaf Coffee
by batman100
Summary: When the X-Men fall victim to a strange sleeping spell from decaf coffee crystals, Scott and Ghost Rider investigate to come face to face with the notorious Crypt Keeper! Also we get to see Jean in total awesome action! Rated M for violence of pure awesomeness and a few profanities.


**Never Trust Decaf Coffee by Batman100**

**Jean: The following is a non-exclusive, fan-written fanfic. X-Men, X-Men: Evolution and Wolverine and the X-Men are all owned by Marvel Enterprises LTD, Marvel Comics and Marvel Studios. All rights reserved. PS- we do not own DragonBall Z, Resident Evil or Tales from the Crypt.**

**Never Trust Decaf Coffee**

**The Xavier Manor, Time: 1:00 AM**

All was quiet throughout the manor as everyone was sound asleep. Not a single person was aware of a mysterious figure sneaking in and placing heavily powerful sleep-inducing decaf coffee crystals into the X-Men's coffee machine

"Hehehehe…." The figure cackled, a cackle that sounded like a familiar corpse…

**Time: 6:00 AM**

"Ugh, after that long session in the Danger Room, I could **really** use some coffee." Rogue groaned, stretching her back as she poured herself a cup of coffee, unaware of the prank fate had in store for her. Just as she took a sip, a thumping sound was heard followed by the all-too familiar sound of snoring, and several Z's could be easily seen floating through the air.

"Uugghh… geez, talk about a long night!" Ghost Rider yawned, rubbing his eyes as Jean and Scott slowly awakened and got up as well

"Say, did you hear something last night?" Scott curiously asked. The brimstone biker shrugged and commented "Nah, although I **did** hear Jeanie suck her thumb in her sleep again and I also counted on how many times she snored. It's a new record!"

"Gee, how nice to know someone likes my hobbies." Jean replied smoothly as she pecked GR a loving kiss on the cheek "Man, I gotta ask you: How **is** it you always woo the ladies? I mean, every single gal goes nuts over you because… **oh**." Scott then paused, as Ghost Rider gave him a look

"Nah, I'm just messing with you kid. C'mon, let's get some breakfast. Remember: we have tickets to that Knicks game tonight." GR reminded as he, Scott and Jean walked down the long-winding staircase before the three stopped "Hey, that's rather strange. There wasn't an extra hallway last night." Jean wondered, as another long hallway was indeed standing before them. It was either their imagination or it seemed like their eyes **and** their mind were trying to deceive them

"Well, only one way to find out." Ghost Rider remarked, before gasping as Jean fell to the floor, sound asleep "Jean! You ok?" Scott asked, only to hear Jean's calm breathing and the sounds of her snoring. Scott looked at Ghost Rider and grimly stated, "Something fishy is going on here."

"You and me both, brother. We have gotta get to the bottom of this and **fast!** But first, we're gonna need some more hired help around here." Ghost Rider ordered, heading over to the phone, dialing and then stating "Goku, this is Ghost Rider, we have a problem: Someone has placed very powerful knockout coffee crystals into our water supply. I need you to round up Vegeta, Krillin, Piccolo, Trunks, 18, 17, Alice, Jill, Wesker, and anyone else you can find and get here pronto! This means war!"

"When will they get here?" Scott asked. "Goku stated he and the troops would arrive in less that 48 hours. In the meantime, we have to find an alternative route of waking up Jean and Rogue from these crystals. But what?" Ghost Rider mused, as he and Scott paced around the carpet, thinking deeply until a lightbulb lit up simultaneously.

"You thinking what I'm thinking, bud?" Scott asked with a grin

"Oh yeah, it's time to stop the noise and bring on the waterworks!" Ghost Rider roared ecstatically

**Time: 9:45 AM (48 Hours till Goku Arrives; Day 1)**

With agreements of aid from Warren, Kurt, Remy, Tabitha, Lorna and Pyro; Scott and Ghost Rider and their teammates snuck into the waterworks outhouse and found the main power faucet; the only source used to awaken the victims of the knockout coffee crystals. Unfortunately, they realized too soon they weren't alone as a strange looking hooded figure stood between them and the power switch to the faucet.

"Who dares to enter my lair, boils and ghouls?" The figure eerily rasped with a bone-chilling cackle. Remy gulped when he noticed the figure had decaying arms and bony fingers. Ghost Rider had a good idea who this stranger was. In an instant, the brimstone biker strummed over to the mystery man, and with a large yank, pulled off the hood to reveal the most horrifying creature of them all: the notorious Crypt Keeper!

"Gott in Himmel! The Crypt Keeper!" Kurt gasped in horror. Tabitha screamed in ghastly terror of the corpse's sight. Scott and GR however were not intimidated.

"You've got a lot of balls showing up on my mansion, you filthy decaying son of a bitch. Now get outta my way, before I turn you into brimstone dust!" Ghost Rider snarled, pulling out his chain whip

"Ah ah ah, I wouldn't do that." Crypt Keeper cackled evilly, as he revealed Jean bound to a stake and an even more horrifying figure: The dreaded Witch-King of Angmar!

"JEAN!" Scott cried before glaring furiously at the black-hearted corpse. "If you lay one hand on my wife, I will personally open the gates of Hell on your ass!" Crypt Keeper spat at him defiantly and uttered "Go to Hell, you mutant scum!"

That did it. In great fury, Jean uttered a fierce war cry, ripped off the chains bounding her, grabbed a large axe, brutally chopped off the Witch-King's head with a loud slashing sound.

"Holy shit!" Remy gasped as the Witch-King's bloodied head rolled past him. Jean snarled, baring her fangs as she confronted the evil corpse. It was then she revealed her true power. Straining with all her strength, she uttered a guttural roar of triumph to reveal… her own razor-sharp adamantium **CLAWS!** Everyone was stunned in awe.

"Oh my gentle Jesus…" Scott stuttered before whooping loudly and echoing "Kick his ass, Jean!"

"With pleasure." Jean grinned, as the corpse then took one look at Jean, and back at Ghost Rider, batting his axe on his left hand. Remy and Kurt slammed the doors shut, trapping the corpse.

"You're not going **nowhere**, asshole. Now, let me show you what **REAL PAIN** feels like!" Jean growled, as she mercilessly sliced off the Crypt Keeper's arm, then bit down on his leg and tore it off, growling viciously with dark blood dripping from her fangs.

"WHAT ARE YOU?!" The Crypt Keeper screamed in horror. Jean pinned him to the wall and uttered "I'm the Phoenix. And you're nothing but dried skin and burnt flesh." Her tinted fangs wide open, the corpse screamed in horror as Jean viciously chomped on his heart and with a mighty pull, tore it straight out and ate it with a sickening crunch.

"Did-did-did you see **THAT?!** She just killed the FUCKIN' CRYPT KEEPER! HEY, GUYS! GET A LOAD A' THIS!" Lance gasped excitedly, racing back to the mansion as Jean licked her fingernails in triumph, before belching loudly "Tasted like chicken." Jean joked

The Crypt-Keeper gasped for breath as Jean grabbed her axe, raised it like a proud warrior, and brought it down with a mighty **CHOP!** The corpse's head burst into dust. His headless body disintegrated just as soon as the X-Men and the Z-Warriors and the Umbrella team arrived to see what happened

"What the hell happened here?!" Vegeta gasped upon seeing the messy remains of the Crypt Keeper… and more at Jean's bloodied-red mouth

"Let me guess; you sliced his arm off, tore off his leg with your wolf teeth then you went out of your way to bite and rip out the corpse's heart, then **ate the fucking thing** and then chopped the damn bastard's head off with an axe. Right?" Leon added. Jean simply nodded and commented "He wasn't that hard. He seemed pretty weak and one hell of a fucking loser."

"Well, it looks like the Crypt Keeper finally met his match." Goku replied proudly, showing admiration for Jean's courage and valor. Professor X wheeled in and was also pleased with the outcome of the battle

"Well done Jean, you managed to prove your true potential and strength. I must admit, it is a great victory for winning the battle. The Crypt Keeper has long since held an infamous reputation for being a vicious opponent." Professor X stated

"Not to mention one big asshole, considering what he did with those damn coffee crystals." Ghost Rider gruffly added, Logan nodding in acknowledgement

"One question Jean: Why is your mouth dripping?" Bulma squeamishly asked before the realization hit her "You didn't…."

"I did. Ate it all in one bite. And don't get yourself in a tizzy, that bag of bones' corrupted powers are **immune** to me. I mean, we **are** all immortal, remember?" Jean asked quizzically, revealing the immortality patch on her left hand, in which everyone did the same

"Well, now that all that's done… what do we do now?" Barry asked. "I dunno, how about going somewhere for lunch? All that fighting's got me hungry." Scott replied, licking his lips

"Uh… Hooters?" Leon asked with a stupid grin on his face. Jill then smacked him up the head then teasingly replied "The chicken wings are on me." And everyone cracked up as they headed out.

**This has been a Batman100 fanfic. A distribution of Marvel Entertainment**


End file.
